I sleep with God...

This morning as I sit here I have to give praise where praise is due! I am so thankful to God for two full nights of sleep with NOTHING. This may seem small to many however if you have ever laid awake and cried because sleep wouldn't come you can understand.
My problem with this really started after my husband left. So many nights I fought the fear of feeling alone. It seemed that my brain would never be still and the devil sure knew where to hit me. I started out going to the doctor right after my separation and getting on medication. I hated the feeling of waking up feeling drugged. I never stopped praying yet I was still trusting man. Each new trial brought sleepless nights even though I pushed on. It was when my insurance stopped and I was left with no way to go to the doctor or money to pay that the fear really kicked in. Sometimes we don't realize just how bad things are and hate to admit it. I must say I praise God that he kept me and I have never been addicted to pills..that is drugs I mean. It would have been so easy if not for the strength God blessed me with!
All though I praise God for this the other day I had to face I had allowed something to control me. After my insurance was dropped I started taking Tynol P.M. I knew it wasn't good for me,but just the thought of having nothing scared me. I guess at first it helped however the body gets used to it. What do we do when this happens? We take more or add something to it. Even though the Tylenol stopped working I still continued to take it. I guess it gave me a sense of peace..crazy how we trust junk for that. After lots of nights of no sleep and fear I started to add Dramamine and sometimes cough syrup.It all depended on how bad I needed sleep.All during this time I never realized that even though we get this over the counter and so cheap it is still something you depend on! I like to call it a crutch.I have never been one that liked anything to control me.
It wasn't until last Sunday at church I was talking to my one of my pastors and she ask me was I okay. As we started to talk I said yes Im really doing great. I am allowing God to build and polish me. Trusting him to get me where he desires I be. I then started to tell her that the one thing I hated was my lack of sleep and the Tylenol I took because it was bad for me.We then got into a conversation of just how much do we trust God? We pray and ask for something yet we depend on our crutch. Can we really have faith in him when we can't let go of something that controls us?
Sunday night I made up my mind that no matter what I was going to "Sleep with God" I was going to pray and give it all to him. I wasn't going to give him alittle of it while holding on to something I depended on. Oh yes the devil did try and bring fear...fear that id lay there and no sleep would come. Praise GOD the devil is a liar and the truth is not in him. That night as I started to feel sleepy I shut down everything. That means the TV,internet,FB,instagram and even my phone! I have realized that so much gets my mind going and this is what I needed to do. I fell asleep praying only to wake up and realize I got a full nights sleep! Night two rolls around and I do the same thing..I got this right? WRONG. Just as I started to doze my dog jumped up and went to the door going crazy in a way I have never seen her.I heard my door moving and fear started to fill my body. I could feel the tightening in my chest. Even though my mind said FEAR my spirit said pray. I got up went to the door to check it all while praying for my safety. Crawled back in bed and something said "Oh you better take some Tynol you will never sleep" Yea right devil not this time!!! "I sleep with God" the best partner one could ask for. Today I praise him for two nights sleep depending on nothing,but his peace.

Making a life style change...

Okay we are kicking off a New year and this is a time that most people decide to diet. I thought this was a good time to share some of my "Life style change"
My "Life style change" started after the separation from my husband.It was the moment I looked in the mirror and wondered where did BRENDA go? Yes I had a year full of health issues and some of that packed on weight however I can't blame it all on that. It was at that time I was also on many medications that cause weight gain. Not to mention I was raised Southern and loved to cook.
That day standing there in the mirror was the life changer for me though. I started to reflect on all the activities I loved as a younger girl. I remembered how active I was before I filled my life with kids and staying busy with a family. It was then that I realized that the same person was in my heart. It was only me now and it was important that I felt good both inside and out. I knew that with the injuries I had that it maybe a slow process,but that wasn't going to stop me!! I know many of you reading this have health problems and think there is no way I could go to a gym,ride a bike or run. If you only knew that when I started I found it hard to walk to my mail box.If you remember I had a ankle injury on one leg and a toe injury on the other. You can't worry about the race just take baby steps.Remember that some is always better than none.
It was after my doctor told me that exercise would help the pain that I decided to join the gym and it did change me. I started to feel so much better and the energy came. Before I knew it I was adding more and more activity.
The other part of this "Life style change" was my eating and cooking. Diet is such a dirty word however when you think of it as a change for the better it is easier. I started to search for recipes for the foods I loved that would be made healthy. I also started to research and see just what is in some of this junk we eat. Wow that will sure cause you to change for sure. The healthier I ate the better I felt and the energy was even better.I also found that the cleaner I ate I even felt better.
I have had many people contact me and ask me how and what I do. I may make a few folks upset here,but I tell you no matter what if you take in more than you burn it has no choice..it will turn to fat.If you eat fast food and box food you will not only gain weight you are not getting good nutrition. Have you ever got bad gas at a pump in your car? How did it run? Well your body is your car for life and what you fuel it with is how good it will run.
I have also had people ask me did I have weight loss surgery? NO I could never see that as the answer. To me it was a fast fix that you still had to cut back and eat small portions. No matter what you have to make change to get change.If you go back to your old habits you will get what you started with. I love the saying" If you want something you never had you have to do something you never did" I have found this so true in my life.
Today I can say I have found "Brenda" again. Each day I have to keep going and know it was worth the "Life style change" to get here.
I know if I can do this anyone can.It is my heart to be there and help others anyway I can. Dig down deep,muster up strength and make that "Life style change" for YOU!

There is hope...

As I sit here today looking over the last few years of my life and wondering where 2015 will take me I realize that all I can do is place each day in Gods hands...I must wake up everyday and pray for his will. Some days I catch myself questioning my purpose and wondering when I will arrive at the dreams I have built in my thoughts. Each day is a new walk that one day will lead us to our destination. We have to wake up and make a choose to move forward...
Today I feel in my heart I need to assure some of you "There is hope" No matter what your struggle is you can overcome!
I know some of you look at me today and see my pictures and  have no clue of my journey. A journey that has not been easy....A journey that sometimes has knocked me down...A journey that some days I had to reach down deep just to get out of bed. It was the journey that made me into the woman I am today.I know I still have much growing to do however today I am so thankful for God and that one day he showed me "There is hope"
As I look back and see the steps I took I know that many days he carried me. Some days were so overwhelming and I lost hope,but I looked to the hills knowing my hope was in God.
My journey isn't just about weight loss it is a journey of losing the man I thought id be married to until death, realizing in a moment others choices can change your life,accidents that put me in a wheel chair,surgery and sickness.All of these things had to be overcome taking small steps.
Make the best of this day that has been given to you...give it your all and most important trust God because in him"There is hope"

                      Psalms 62:5 Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him

What is CHRISTmas to you?

I have to tell you this has been one of the hardest Christmas I have had in years. I always try to keep it real because life does hurt. I know what Christmas is all about and so thankful for the love of Jesus and my family however pain is real. I know with out the love and peace of Jesus I wouldn't be able to keep going sometimes.
Usually when pain comes this bad I know there is a lesson God is usually showing me. Something he needs to strengthen me in so I can help others.
I have watched many on Facebook,Instragram and out shopping in the past few days. I know that I am not the only one that has pain during this time and many have it way worse.
This evening I took a walk and reflected on somethings and times in my life. I thought about all the things I have seen and endured this Christmas.After getting home I knew I needed to read some scripture which brought me to the writing of this blog.
What is Christmas to you? Do you have traditions,.... maybe one of those that have to have the house decorated just right,One that can't have Christmas without certain foods,one that spends way more than you should then wonders how you will pay for it. I know we all have things about Christmas we have done for years. There is one word in Christmas that matters and that is CHRIST. What did you do for Christ this year? Better than that what do you do for Christ everyday? Just because we celebrate Jesus birthday on a special day doesn't mean we should do good only then.
The scripture I was taken to as I read Mathew 25:31 Some of you may know this as the Parable "The Sheep and Goats" These scriptures talk about when Jesus comes and will separate the people like a Shepard doe his sheep.As I continued to read it talked about the difference in the sheep and goat. That is when the picture was painted before me about what CHRISTmas means.What we should do daily.In these scriptures he clearly shares what we have to be like to be his.I dare say many of us didn't take time to think of others. Many of us past right by people just like this in our rush to get things just perfect for the holidays.Many of us never stopped to think about the pain and suffering the person sitting next to us maybe feeling. My great desire is to be a sheep and take the time to make each day CHRISTmas.
Mathew 25:34-40 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

My Father is a KING...

How many of you out there feel like you are getting the rewards of being a child of a KING? I dare say very few. One reason for this is because we spend more time keeping our eyes on the trouble,the pain that this life causes instead of the promises God has given us.,,,,
This week I have finally grasp a hold of the fact "Im Gods Girl" my daddy loves me and desires the best for me. My daddy is not happy when I hurt and trouble comes my way .If we see in the word(our road map) there are so many promises he has already provided for his children. The problem is US...we either have never learned who we are in Christ are we don't claim it.
As a parent you can make deposits in the bank and set up preparation for your children but unless they know about it they can't cash in on it. They may struggle when the thing they need is setting there waiting for them the whole time. That is just how it is with our Father. All of the things he has already deposited into our bank and prepared for us set and wait on us to cash in on.There maybe many reasons why we haven't done this,but until we do we can't apply this to our life.
I know this because I speak to myself here. Each and every day I have a struggle with this. The hardships and hurts just seem to be accepted. I have walked many days listening and excepting what the world and others say and cause in my life instead of claiming what my Father says.
The past few months and years I have endured some heartache as I am sure we all have. Today I am happy to say in these things I have learned some great lessons and try my best to apply them to my life. This is something I must do each day because the enemy would sure rather me focus on him.He will do anything he can to keep us from realizing who we really are. When you stand in front of the mirror what do you really see? I would just about bet that you see defeat,pain,what you wished you were instead of who you really are.
Proverbs 18:21 tells us that power of life and death are in the tongue...we speak to our life one or the other. Lets just take a minute to see what Im talking about here because this is something we do everyday. How many of us has spoke in a sad and lonely state of mind "No ones cares about me and what im feeling" well that is not true. 1 Peter says"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." Psalms tells us "You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Do you see where I am going with this? 
How about" Im just not gonna make it this month" Psalms tells us "The LORD is my shepherd; I have all that I need." Mathew tells us" Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?"
Are you catching on yet? I sure hope so because when you look in the mirror of his word and realize who you really are,that your "Father is a King" and has deposited any and everything we need in his bank your life can change!! I for one know I desire to see myself as "Gods Girl" and to know whoever and whatever happens to me they have to answer to my daddy.To know that he loves me and deposited into my account anything I need to live.
Today I ask you..Who is your your Father?

Lets keep it real....

I title this blog "Lets keep it real" comes because that is all I know. Yes keeping it real can be hard and gets me in trouble sometimes however real is better than fake. It is better than pretending.
As I sat here last night with the weather getting cold and the holidays approaching I can't help but have some feeling of sadness. I know I try hard to keep a smile on my face for everyone to see yet I have moments where I have to be real with myself and God. I lie here last night watching Christmas movies,snuggled up in my warm bed and pinning recipes on Pinterest. "OH I love that site" however it causes my heart the hurt sometimes.
If you know me very well you know I love the holidays and decorating. I love cooking and making a home and I love family. The movie I was watching had a young woman that had been dating a man for five years. She yearned so bad to have a life with him however he was to busy and wouldn't commit.I can understand just what she was feeling because it seems this day in time committing and doing what it takes to have love isn't important.She found herself starting to question her own worth. Not because she wasn't an amazing woman,but because the man she desired made her feel that way.Sometimes no matter how hard you work to be perfect for someone else and do your best you still find yourself alone.The amazing thing is she didn't stop being her self. She continued to reach out and share love with others.At a moment she least expected a friend and coworker came into her life. A stranger that she really never paid attention to because she was focused on the life she desired. It was this man that seen her heart and the beauty of who she was.When she finally let go of what she held onto her life changed.
After the movie was over and it was time to go to sleep "with my fur babies" I started to think. I thought of how I didn't really have my desire to decorate this year. I thought of all the sweet couples and families strolling together. I thought of the couples shopping and sharing dinners with one another on a cold night with a fire flickering in the back ground."Yes I'm a romantic..what can I say" And then I thought about myself. Another holiday alone and how much I miss having someone to share my love with.
As I lay in bed ready to pray I start my prayer. The prayer of thanks and praying for others. It was at that moment a thought comes to me "Keep it real" see so many times we go to God with our regular prayer as if he can't see our heart.We try to hold it all together when he knows our sadness. Sometimes we feel guilty and we stay strong when all alone he sees. It was then that I decided to "Keep it real" with God. I talked to him like a friend. I shared with him my desires,my hurts and how the holidays really make me feel. God doesn't want us to hide from him. He wants to be our best friend and someone we can open up to someone we share our heart with because he already knows it.
So today whatever you are feeling and whatever you are dealing with take it to God.Open up and speak to him as if he is setting right beside you.And most important don't go through the motions "Keep it real"

Making my list and checking it twice...

           Making my list and checking it twice..and it isn't Christmas

If it is your first time to my blog welcome. Let me go back and catch you up and then we will move on. The name "Brenda's Restart" came after I had to pick up the pieces of my life and move on after a 29 year marriage. Yeah it is crazy to restart a life at my age however you have to deal with the hand your dealt and make the best of it. At first I didn't see how that was possible,but with the love of family, friends, and GOD I found the strength to move forward. In the last four and a half years I found who Brenda is. I have reached down deep and searched my soul and heart. I have healed, had my heart broken by many jerks, and got up and healed again. Each time there were lessons to be learned and strength gained.
In the last month I have spent lots of time with God. Oh I never left Him and He never left me,but I did allow somethings to come before Him. Life just can't run right if He isn't in the lead position. No matter how much we give and try to make others happy they must come under God. When we find ourselves making something else priority it becomes an idol. All we can think about is doing whatever it takes to be happy, but in return is God happy? God has a purpose and plan for our lives and for this to ever be in order we must die to self . I don't think this means giving up who we are and the desires of our heart, because as long as those line up with God He is the one that gives us desires.
After my husband left and I was going through the healing process one of the Christian counselors I was seeing gave me some advice. The advice was keeping a journal with my hearts feelings and to date it. From time to time I would go back and look at it and see how far I had come. This takes me to the title of this blog " Making my list and checking it twice" years ago when I was writing in my journal I made of list of things I desired and didn't desire for my life. Oh I know and realize not everything can be perfect and we have to give some, however we must not allow our giving in to change us.
Last week I got to spend some amazing time with God by the beach. It was at this time I was reminded of my list. So with Bible and journal in hand I started to make my list again. To search my heart and find me again. This time with great hope that I go back from time to time and look at it and never let go of the hope and desires I have. I don't mind sharing this list so here we go....

Things I desire.
 1) My deepest desire is for God to be first in my life and serve him in the calling he has for me.
 2) A God led man. One that will be the head and allow God to be his head.
 3) A man that will pray with me,for me and bless me
 4) A man that believes the steps and order of God in a relationship. God,Spouse,Family
 5) I desire a true lives love story. A love so strong that others watch and have a desire for a Godly love that doesn't change with the ups and downs.
 6) I desire a place that I can make a home. ( where ever God desires that to be) A home that when others come in they feel the love and peace.
 7) To share this home with a man that will allow me to be the woman God has called me to be. Someone that can appreciate my love through doing the things I love.
 8) To have and support my partner in his calling.
 9) I would love to travel and makes beautiful memories.
10) I desire someone that will communicate and share like a best friend 9) A fitness partner so we can be healthy and share the second part of our life.
11) A coffee buddy...sweat times snuggling early in the morning together,times by the fire,sitting on the porch and coffee shops.
12) Someone that will except and love my children and grands as I will his.
13) Someone that will not leave me and always desire to do separate things ( If I want to have a life alone id stay single)
14) A love so strong that when the other walks away you feel part of you is missing.
15) Romance, never losing the honeymoon feeling.
16) We can share nice dinners or just enjoy a simple picnic. ( it is all about the time together)
17) Someone that can spend a simple day being cozy, a day of rest watching TV (football =)
18) I desire the love making in my life to be as God ordained, to allow the depth of two becoming one, not just going through the motions.

Things I do not want.
1) Selfish ( all about me and not we)
2) Prideful and arrogant
3) Makes me feel stupid and unimportant
4) Someone that doesn't seek God for direction
5) Lazy couch potato with no desire for life.
6) Someone that puts others before me
7) Someone who confides in other women.
8) Someone who cheats and thinks that porn and looking and desiring other women is normal.
9) Someone who lies and says things they don't mean. (actions speak louder than words)
10) A heavy drinker
11) Someone that allows technology to steal precious family time.
12) Someone that compares me to or expects me to be like an ex or someone they formed an image of.
13) Someone that doesn't care about my feelings and the pain I'm feeling.
14) Someone that doesn't care when I try to express my heart and feelings.
15) Someone that withdraws, sulks, and does not share their feeling and talk things out when something is bothering him. Pushing things down and not talking only makes things worse.

"For I know the plans I have for you, 'Declare The Lord,' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."- Jeremiah 29:11